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Hardware
Clan Ghost Bear
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Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
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Location: United States
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 Posted: 14-Feb-2003 21:03 Post subject: The complete military history of France |
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"COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of
French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by
a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to
the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's."
[ This Message was edited by: Hardware on 2003-02-14 21:04 ]
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Alexander
Heavy Horse Merc Brigade
Commanding Officer
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 828
Location: Canada
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| Posted: 14-Feb-2003 21:10 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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You forgot the Plains of Abraham in Canada. Which they lost, by probably claim as a tie, since they ended up getting the veto in the Canadian Federal government!
Alexander (French people suck, mostly because their language is backwards!)
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AlexxKnight
Federated Suns
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Joined: 11-Feb-2002 00:00
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 08:49 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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That was just damn funny.
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The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. . . And you
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chihawk
Clan Blood Spirit
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 10:03 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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You've forgotten the most important French loss in battle...
The Franco-Greenpeace war.
That's where France lost 3 armed (and firing) Naval vessels to an unarmed small referbished oil tanker owned by Greenpeace. Greenpeace simpply rammed the vessels and sank them.
France did cause damage to the Greenpeace ship when it docked (in New Zealand I think) by sending in commandos. They couldn't even sink the ship however, they only cause enough damage that the ship was inopperable for time enough for France to negotiate with Greenpeace and they ceased whatever activity it was Greenpeace was protesting.
BTW, what two words have gardly ever been uttered in the English language?
"France wins".
(EDIT): I forgot to mention that the New Zealand police arrested several of the French commandos after the raid.
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[ This Message was edited by: chihawk on 2003-02-15 10:40 ]
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chihawk
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 10:05 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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On 2003-02-15 10:03, chihawk wrote:
You've forgotten the most important French loss in battle...
The Franco-Greenpeace war.
That's where France lost 3 armed (and firing) Naval vessels to an unarmed small referbished oil tanker owned by Greenpeace. Greenpeace simpply rammed the vessels and sank them.
France did cause damage to the Greenpeace ship when it docked (in New Zealand I think) by sending in commandos. They couldn't even sink the ship however, they only cause enough damage that the ship was inopperable for time enough for France to negotiate with Greenpeace and they ceased whatever activity it was Greenpeace was protesting.
BTW, what two words have gardly ever been uttered in the English language?
"France wins".
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Oh, sorry folks, I forgot that by a previous agreement on a different messageboard I wasn't supposed to post anything about that nation--I was supposed to post the following:
"I have no opinion about France".
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Gangrene
Federated Suns
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 15:10 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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Do you have any sources for this? I would like to read that story.
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Gangrene
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 15:18 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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LOL. Good stuff, Hardware.
Its not entirely true, however. Some credit the French with largely saving western society from Islamic takeover in the time of the dark ages. The battle of Poitiers in 732 stopped the Saracens (Syrians) from advancing north beyond the confines of Spain.
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Ruger
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 15:38 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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Of course, by defeating the Muslims, civilization was set back centuries...had it not been so, we'd likely be exploring the stars for real by now...
And of course, there are numerous other periods where we've lost technology...did you know ancient Egypt had working steam engines? They powered children's toys, IIRC...
Ruger
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Gangrene
Federated Suns
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 15:44 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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On 2003-02-15 15:38, Ruger wrote:
Of course, by defeating the Muslims, civilization was set back centuries...had it not been so, we'd likely be exploring the stars for real by now...
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No, I don't think so. The "Dark Ages" did not lead to a heavy loss of information, but a breakdown in methods of government and the writing of histories.
Anyways, you don't see the Muslims exploring space today. What makes you think they ever would accomplish that?
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And of course, there are numerous other periods where we've lost technology...did you know ancient Egypt had working steam engines? They powered children's toys, IIRC...
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Neat.
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Gangrene
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Ruger
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 16:07 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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On 2003-02-15 15:44, Gangrene wrote:
Anyways, you don't see the Muslims exploring space today. What makes you think they ever would accomplish that?
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Well...the Crusaders defeating them on numerous occassions, and then backing them primarily back to the Middle Eastern areas, might also have had something to do with that... 
Ruger
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Gangrene
Federated Suns
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 16:10 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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If the Muslims were so superior, why didn't they win?
And if the Europeans were inferior, why is they had the ability to create an organized army and the logistics required to support them in a war hundreds of miles away while the muslims didn't?
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Gangrene
[ This Message was edited by: Gangrene on 2003-02-15 16:14 ]
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Gangrene
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chihawk
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 17:06 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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I read it in a military text some time ago...I'll search online when I get a chance to see what's out there.
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chihawk
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Gangrene
Federated Suns
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 19:30 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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Thanks
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Horhiro
Draconis Combine
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| Posted: 15-Feb-2003 20:38 Post subject: RE: The complete military history of France |
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very funny! You forget their most famous battle though which occurs every year. The Tour de France.
Who's won it the last four years....an American!!!!
Go Lance Armstrong.
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