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Alexander
Heavy Horse Merc Brigade
Commanding Officer
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 828
Location: Canada
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 Posted: 05-Aug-2004 18:04 Post subject: Canadian Soldiers |
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Subject: Canadian soldiers
The following would be the reaction of different types of Canadian soldiers upon encountering a snake in a theatre of operations:
Paratrooper: Kills the snake. Carries on.
Armor: Runs over the snake, giggles and looks for more snakes.
Infantry (Royal Canadian Regiment): "Look a putty cat. Come here kitty. Ouch! Hey that's not a kitty cat."
Infantry (Royal 22nd Regiment - French): "Tabarnack! Me see snake. Me like snake.Ouch! Me no like snake".
Infantry (Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry): Plays with the snake, then eats it.
Artillery (1 Royal Canadian Horse Artillery): Kills the snake, but in the process, kills several hundred civilians with a massive time-on-target with three artillery brigades in support. Mission is considered a success, and all participants are awarded Orders of Military Merit (including cooks, mechanics, clerks, etc.)
Pararescue: Wounds the snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
Joint Task Force 2 (Special Forces - Counter-Terrorism) :Expends all ammunition and several grenades and calls for a tactical airstrike in a failed attempt to kill the snake. Snake bites the JTF 2 Commander and retreats to safety.
Air Force Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
Canadian Ranger: Follows the snake and gets lost.
Sea King Pilot: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Has engine failure and barely makes it back to base. Goes to the Officer's Mess for some sort of drink called "The Snake."
Military Intelligence: "Snake? What? Where? Huh? What's a snake?"
Military Police: Arrests the snake, then spends two hours trying to handcuff it. Snake escapes. Mp's eat doughnuts.
Combat News Reporter: Sees the snake 200 metres away. Writes an in-depth article in "Maple Leaf" newspaper on snakes. Minister of National Defence reads the article and states that "Canadian Forces are better equipped to deal with snakes than they were in the '91 Gulf War." Then he cuts the military budget another 50% and gives large pay increases to senior officers.
_________________
War is God's way of teaching geography.
*******
Commanding Officer, North West Armoured Cavalry
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Ruger
Lyran Alliance
Hauptmann General
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 2110
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| Posted: 05-Aug-2004 21:08 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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Heh...
This makes me think of one of the women I work with...she told me a story about a time just after she got back from Operation Desert Storm...Gets home one day, goes out in her yard, and happens to look up in a tree...next then she does is pull out her pistol, and pumps nearly the full magazine into the snake she saw in the tree...
Of course, once it's "dead" on the ground, she realizes it's a rubber snake...
I keep telling her that we need to go see the new anaconda movie that was previewed when we saw Spiderman 2...all I get in response are glares and death threats...  
Ruger
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-Mud
ex-Jade Falcon
Bounty Hunter
Joined: 04-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1082
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| Posted: 06-Aug-2004 02:51 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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War is certainly God's way of teaching geography.
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 06-Aug-2004 05:47 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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That ones been floating around for a long time already, only it was about US forces. It's still funny.
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A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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Sir Henry
Team Bansai
Senior Tech Specialist
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 4899
Location: United States
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| Posted: 06-Aug-2004 06:31 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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Truth lasts a long time.... 
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Sir Henry
A Dragon in the disguise of a bunny, is still a Dragon.
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DarkAdder
Clan Star Adder
Star Commander
Joined: 10-Jan-2004 00:00
Posts: 604
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| Posted: 06-Aug-2004 12:02 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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"And the truth shal set you free" and its a plus if its funny as hell, too.
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Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
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Oafman
Draconis Combine
Tai-sho
Joined: 18-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1657
Location: United States
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| Posted: 06-Aug-2004 13:37 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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One of my favorit military jokes comes from one of the Caesars. 'Festina Lente' which translates to 'make haste, slowly'
When I read that in one of my history books I laughed my butt off since my dad's favorite slogan about the Air Force is 'Hurry up and wait.'
Interesting how a General's joke about his troops from around 60 BC is still true about military forces today.
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Festina Lente!
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 06-Aug-2004 19:14 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"
Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it,as well as where he is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.
Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".
Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.
Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Military Intelligence, G-2: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.
Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.
Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.
Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.
Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.
Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.
Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the nake's life.
Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.
Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.
Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.
SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."
War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.
_________________
A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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Sir Henry
Team Bansai
Senior Tech Specialist
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 4899
Location: United States
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| Posted: 09-Aug-2004 06:35 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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Gotta love the JAG....
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Sir Henry
A Dragon in the disguise of a bunny, is still a Dragon.
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drfunk
Draconis Combine
Kashira
Joined: 14-Mar-2004 00:00
Posts: 156
Location: Canada
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| Posted: 21-Aug-2004 00:41 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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I geuss the rubber snake must have been a pretty big threat for her to empty full magazine into a rubber snake. I don't know if the story is true or not but I did find it kind if amusing however!!!!!!!! hehehe
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A wise man speaks because he has something to say. A fool speaks because he must say something.
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Ruger
Lyran Alliance
Hauptmann General
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 2110
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| Posted: 21-Aug-2004 07:56 Post subject: RE: Canadian Soldiers |
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Quote:
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On 2004-08-21 00:41, drfunk wrote:
I geuss the rubber snake must have been a pretty big threat for her to empty full magazine into a rubber snake. I don't know if the story is true or not but I did find it kind if amusing however!!!!!!!! hehehe
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I don't know...with what I've seen with this woman, I can kind of believe it...
Ruger
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