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Stinger
The Knights of Chaos
General
Joined: 30-Apr-2002 00:00
Posts: 1833
Location: United States
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 Posted: 11-Apr-2005 22:32 Post subject: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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-------The Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
39) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4615.00
_________________
Stinger
If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then FINE, I'm "creepy". Howard Wolowitz. BBT.
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Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 915
Location: Spain
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| Posted: 12-Apr-2005 03:33 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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ROFLMAO!!!
Having gone once through the experience of draining the oil because dumb brother overfilled it, I can relate to that!
_________________
Memento audare semper
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Oafman
Draconis Combine
Tai-sho
Joined: 18-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1657
Location: United States
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| Posted: 12-Apr-2005 08:45 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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And people wonder why I do not change my own oil
_________________
Festina Lente!
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 12-Apr-2005 09:05 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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I'm slower than the professionals, but the oil gets changed in any case. It's not difficult as long as you leave out the sixpack. 
_________________
A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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Oafman
Draconis Combine
Tai-sho
Joined: 18-Nov-2003 00:00
Posts: 1657
Location: United States
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| Posted: 12-Apr-2005 11:57 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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I used to work on my old truck, but now that I have a 2001 Status those days are over. I open up that hood and have trouble finding where anything is.
_________________
Festina Lente!
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Daphne Wilde
Star League Defense Force
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 19-Sep-2003 00:00
Posts: 425
Location: United States
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| Posted: 12-Apr-2005 22:57 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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Sigh.......
No Comment.
another one thats way to easy....
_________________
Lt.Col.Daphne Wilde
504 Para. 82 Div.
Io
? & ?
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Slythis
Federated Suns
Colonel
Joined: 09-Aug-2002 00:00
Posts: 712
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| Posted: 13-Apr-2005 08:20 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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Quote:
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On 2005-04-12 09:05, Nightmare wrote:
I'm slower than the professionals, but the oil gets changed in any case. It's not difficult as long as you leave out the sixpack.
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Tell my dad that.
_________________
"It is pleasant, when the winds are high and the seas are rough to watch the stuggles of another from the shore."
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Delta
Lyran Alliance
Leutnant
Joined: 11-Dec-2004 00:00
Posts: 635
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| Posted: 13-Apr-2005 16:05 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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| Six packs and oil changes don't mix apparently...
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Vagabond
Mercenary
Mr. Referee
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 5788
Location: United States
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| Posted: 13-Apr-2005 18:59 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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six packs don't mix with anything very well.
_________________
one must work hard to cultivate the mind and body. and one must always cultivate the mind.
//^(^_^)^\\
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
Kommandant-General
Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
Posts: 2214
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| Posted: 13-Apr-2005 23:28 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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Quote:
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On 2005-04-13 18:59, Vagabond wrote:
six packs don't mix with anything very well.
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A sixpack a piece makes the second and third Blade movies tolerable. Barely. 
_________________
A tree fall in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime. Does anyone care?
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Slythis
Federated Suns
Colonel
Joined: 09-Aug-2002 00:00
Posts: 712
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| Posted: 14-Apr-2005 04:37 Post subject: RE: Thought you motor heads might like this one. |
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what I meant is that when my dad does it you have ALL of the steps above minus the six-pack related ones. Where as I can do it no problem in 20 minutes or so... and I don't even like cars.
_________________
"It is pleasant, when the winds are high and the seas are rough to watch the stuggles of another from the shore."
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