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Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 915
Location: Spain
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 Posted: 23-Nov-2002 14:45 Post subject: More fun stuff |
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Culture & Ideas 11/25/02
BY JOHN LEO
Put on a sappy face
There's a problem in Florida's Panhandle. Some residents think their area's
name leaves the impression that panhandling is the major local activity. So
they want their area to be known as "Florida's Great Northwest." Why not?
Many accountants are unhappy with their name, too. They prefer "cognitors,"
even though this sounds like a herd at Jurassic Park. In football, some fans
think a long and desperate last-second pass should not be called a "Hail
Mary" play because of the religious reference. They think it should be
called, well, a long and desperate last-second pass. Yes, America
effortlessly churns out euphemisms and upscale name changes. Here are some
current ones:
Comparative ads: attack ads
Traffic-calming road insertions: speed bumps
In-depth interrogation: torture
Visual harassment: staring
Unacknowledged repetitions: plagiarism
Derivative passages: plagiarism
Inadvertently copying long sections of someone else's book and putting it in
yours: plagiarism
Roster management: eliminating male athletes, adding females
Verbal abuse: criticism
Assaultive expression: criticism
Linguistic domestic violence: criticism of a wife
Abductees (in Sudan): slaves
Tribal chief: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you admire
Warlord: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you do not admire
Self-sacrifice bombers: suicide bombers
Targeting process error: looks like we killed a lot of civilians
Activist volunteering (feminese): helping to kidnap a child from a father
who has custody
Tree-density reduction: chopping down every tree in sight
Isolated reflection interval: timeout
Mandatory discontinued attendance: suspension
Cultural genocide: correcting a pupil's nonstandard English
Multicultural issues editor: censor
Psychological violence: disapproval
Creating personal accounts: privatizing Social Security
Unpaid sex worker: wife
Sexual service provider: paid sex worker, hooker
Death tax: inheritance tax
Duty-not-paid importing: smuggling
Cosmetically saturated: wearing too much makeup
Fragrance abuse: wearing too much perfume
Olfactory assault: wearing any perfume at all
Nondiscretionary fragrance: body odor
Robust peacekeeping: killing troublesome locals
Coercive pregnancy: turned down for a late abortion
Mandatory motherhood: turned down for a late abortion
Pregnancy-related services: abortion
Product of conception: baby
Evacuate cranial contents: suck the baby's brains out
Action figures: dolls for boys
Nuclear transplantation: cloning
Poorly buffered precipitation: acid rain
Smoothers: girdles
Spouse equivalent: lover
Polyamory: wild promiscuity
Person-centered sexuality with permissive affection: anything goes
Nontraditional sex: perversions
Comprehensive sex education: sex-ed classes stressing the things your
parents hope you will never do
Hemp activist: pot promoter
Problem-plagued: drug-addled
Post-verdict response: riot
Uprising: a riot you approve of
Granted "access" to my body (Boston clerical term): had sex with a young
male
Occupant restraints: seat belts
Race-sensitive programs: preferences, quotas
Faith-based organizations: religious organizations
Deer management: shooting all the deer
Activity intolerance: lower back pain
Economic profiling: getting turned down for a loan because of a poor credit
rating
Made possible by: we don't take advertising, but here comes an ad anyway
Relationship manager: salesperson
Persistency specialist: bill collector
Tactical pricing: panicky price cuts
Intercommunal coexistence (from a program at Brandeis): getting along
Mainstreaming (journalese): quoting one member of every race, gender,
orientation, and ethnic group in all news reports, even ones about ailing
turtles, bad weather, or Martha Stewart
Lifestyle and Fitness competition: Miss America's swimsuit competition
The (nongendered) monarchy, the power, and the glory: the (patriarchal)
kingdom, the power, and the glory
Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer: Father, Son, Holy Spirit
Involuntary normal attrition: laying off workers
Managing down: laying off workers
Rightsizing: laying off workers
Job survivor: person not yet rightsized, attrited, or managed down
_________________
Memento audare semper
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Ruger
Lyran Alliance
Hauptmann General
Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 2093
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| Posted: 23-Nov-2002 17:08 Post subject: RE: More fun stuff |
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Here's another a coworker sent me yesterday...anyone who has gone through the process and met one of these (at work or home) should agree it works:
Auditor: one who goes out in the field to shoot the wounded
Ruger
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Kyu Kage
ComStar
Captain
Joined: 16-Sep-2002 00:00
Posts: 503
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| Posted: 24-Nov-2002 03:38 Post subject: RE: More fun stuff |
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PE Teacher: Sanctioned youth executioner/torturer
_________________
Loyalty above all else except honour!
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Sarkkahn
Draconis Combine
Tai-i
Joined: 12-Jul-2002 00:00
Posts: 394
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| Posted: 24-Nov-2002 19:08 Post subject: RE: More fun stuff |
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Pharmasist: Drug Dealer
_________________
You want some? Come and get it
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Slythis
Federated Suns
Colonel
Joined: 09-Aug-2002 00:00
Posts: 712
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| Posted: 26-Nov-2002 15:51 Post subject: RE: More fun stuff |
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High School: Optional Inforced captivity, Education, Reeducation, and Rereeducations of America's Middle class youth.
_________________
"It is pleasant, when the winds are high and the seas are rough to watch the stuggles of another from the shore."
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