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Motown Scrapper
Clan Ice Hellions
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 Posted: 07-Aug-2004 20:45 Post subject: The Ecology of the Haggis |
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As a public service I am reprinting this information originally supplied by MacAttack from the Scottish Bureau of Tourism
Haggis (plural - Haggi)
A haggis is a small animal native to Scotland. Well when I say animal, actually it's a bird with vestigial wings - like the ostrich. Because the habitat of the haggis in exclusively mountainous, and because it is always found on the sides of Scottish mountains, it has evolved a rather strange gait. The poor thing has only three legs, and each leg is a different length - the result of this is that when hunting haggis, you must get them on to a flat plain - then they are very easy to catch - they can only run round in circles.
After catching your haggis, and dispatching it in time honoured fashion, it is cooked in boiling water for a period of time, then served with tatties and neeps (and before you ask, that's potatoes and turnips).
[Additional note - the heathen English incorrectly call a turnip a sweed, and a sweed a turnip (which is only fit for cattle food). This, more than anything else, has been the cause of conflict between the two countries for centuries...]
The haggis is considered a great delicacy in Scotland, and as many of your compatriots will tell you, it tastes great - many visitors from the US have been known to ask for second helpings of haggis!
The noise haggis make during the mating season gave rise to that other great Scottish invention, the bagpipes.
Many other countries have tried to establish breeding colonies of haggis, but to no avail - it's something about the air and water in Scotland, which once the haggis is removed from that environment, they just pine away.
A little known fact about the haggis is its aquatic ability - you would think that with three legs of differing lengths, the poor wee beastie wouldn't be very good at swimming, but as some of the Scottish hillsides have rather spectacular lakes on them, over the years, the haggis has learned to swim very well. When in water, it uses its vestigial wings to propel itself forward, and this it can do at a very reasonable speed.
Haggis are by nature very playful creatures, and when swimming, very often swim in a group - a bit like ducks - where the mother will swim ahead, and the youngsters follow in a line abreast. This is a very interesting phenomenon to watch, as it looks something like this :
__---
/ /
/ /
/- /- /- /- / /
The long neck of the mother keeping a watchful eye for predators.
This does however confuse some people, who, not knowing about the haggis, can confuse it with the other great indigenous Scottish inhabitant, the Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie as she's affectionately known, who looks more like this :
__---
/ /
/ /
\ /- /- /- /- / /
From a distance, I'm sure you'll agree, the tourist can easily mistake a family of haggis out for their daily swim, as Nessie, this of course gives rise to many more false sightings, but is inherently very good for the tourist industry in Scotland.
The largest known recorded haggis (caught in 1893 by a crofter at the base of Ben Lomond), weighed 25 tons.
In the water, haggis have been known to reach speeds of up to 35 knots, and therfore coupled with their amazing agility in this environment, are extremely difficult to catch, however, if the hunter can predict where the haggis will land, a good tip is to wait in hiding on the shore, beacuse when they come out of the water, they will inevitably run round in circles to dry themselves off.
This process, especially with the larger haggis, gives rise to another phenomenon - circular indentations in the ground, and again, these have been mistaken by tourists as the landing sites of UFOs.
I hope this clears up some of the misconceptions about the Haggis, that rare and very beautiful beastie of the Scottish Highlands (and very tasty too).
I have included here as much factual material as possible, although there are many gaps in this subject, and some of the information has to be mere speculation.
No-one has as yet been able to ascertain the sex of captured Haggis, and partially because of this, scientists assume the haggis is hermophroditic.
This may also be a product of evolution, and does explain the logistic problems of bringing two haggis together - after all, sure footed though the beast is, if two were to mate on a Scottish hillside, it is a long fall down, and a slip at the wrong time may very well result in a reduction by two of the total haggis population.
What is known about Haggis breeding is that, several days prior to giving birth, the Haggis make a droning sound - very much like a beginner playing the bagpipes for the first time - giving rise to the speculation that the bagpipes were indeed invented in Scotland, simply to lure unsuspecting haggis into a trap. At the onset of this noise, all other wildlife for a five mile radius can be seen exiting the area at an extremely high rate of knots (wouldn't you if your neighbour had just started to play the bagpipes?). The second purpose of the noise seems to be to attract other Haggis to the scene, in order to lend help with the birth. This also gives rise to the assumption that Haggis are tone deaf.
Haggis normally give birth to two or more young Haggis, or "wee yins", as they are called in Scotland, and from birth, their eyes are open, and they are immediately able to run around in circles, just like their parent.
The wee yins are fiercely independant, and it is only a matter of weeks before they leave the parent, and go off foraging for food on their own, although it is perhaps a two or three year period before they are themselves mature enough to give birth.
Most Haggis hunters will leave the wee yins, due simply to their size, but when attacked by other predators, they are still able to emit the bagpipe like sound, which again has the effect of very quickly clearing the surrounding area of all predators, and attracting other Haggis to the scene. This results in a very low infant mortality rate, with most wee yins actually making it to adulthood.
The lifespan of the Haggis is again an unknown quantity, but from taggings done in the Victorian era, we know that some haggis live for well over 100 years.
Haggis and the Romans
===============
It is a well known fact that the ancient Romans built two walls across the country here, called Hadrians Wall, and Antonines Wall. Historically, these walls were built to keep the marauding Picts out of "civilised" Roman "England", but perhaps there was another more sinister motive.
While out on a reconnaissance mission one day, a group of Roman soldiers stumbled on to a haggis during the mating season, and in the ensuing panic, they ran back to the camp and reported they were being pursued by the devil.
The camp commander, being an unimaginative type of Roman, not given to all this namby pamby philosophy that was all the rage at the time, slapped them in irons for a few weeks. Unfortunately, rumours began to circulate round the camp that the devil was alive and well, and living just up the road. Discipline wore a little thin, and the commander decided to do something about it.
It so happened that in the camp at the time was a Greek slave, who among his many other duties, was employed as a part time interrogator of prisoners because he seemed to be able to understand the locals a lot better than the Romans.
He was kitted out with all the latest designer gear - leather skirt, Roman Army Approved safety helmet, sandals, the lot, sent to the chariot pool, where he was issued with the new model Fiat single horse power chariot, and sent off to scorch the rumours.
Off he went, marvelling at the air conditioning in the new model chariot, the fixed axle suspension, and the acceleration of the single horse power plant. The handling too was superb - a lot better then the standard issue Skoda models he had previously driven.
Eventually, he arrived at the place the soldiers had described earlier, and crawling through the heather, came upon a wonderful scene - a haggis with four wee yins!
This man, being a slave, and far from his own family, was touched by the scene, and decided such a noble beast should be allowed to live in peace, so he slowly backed out of hiding and back to the chariot.
Imagine his dissapointment when he found the damn thing wouldn't start - no amount of kicking or poking would help, it the power plant had died, and he was now faced with a long walk back to the camp.
Off he set, but as luck would have it, he was caught by a group of Picts returning from a Picts versus Celts football match. Fortunately, the Picts had won on this occasion, and were in good spirits, so he was allowed to live, with only a few superficial bruises, and flesh wounds.
Suddenly a sound rent the air - the sound of a Haggis call - sensing a carry out around, the Picts disappeared in the direction of the noise, shouting, "Haggis", "Cairry oot", and "We are ra boyz", leaving the little Greek lying in the road.
Shortly after that, he was rescued by a fleeing Roman patrol who had just encountered a group of disgruntled Celts who had also been at the match, but as their team had not been so successful, had not been in quite such a forgiving mood.
The Greek, and the battered patrol arrived back at the camp, and were interrogated by the commander, but in view of his weakened condition, all the Greek could say was, "Hags". (His command of the local dialect was still poor).
Now, as everyone knows, at the time, hags in Roman terms referred to witches, and this, combined with the state of the returning patrol, convinced the commander the devil indeed was living in this strange land, so he command a wall be built to keep these evil creatures from invading civilisation. The Greek, in honour of his bravery, was awarded an honourary plebiscite, and given a new model twin horse Lancia chariot. The Romans never could pronounce his name of Onissopolis however, and took to calling him Hagis instead.
The name obviously stuck, and perhaps your friend is a descendant of this brave little man.
Addressing the Haggis
==============
This noted production was composed with a fortnight after the poet's arrival in Edinburgh, and was printed in the pages of the Caledonian Mercury, December 20th, 1786. Hogg assures us that it was produced almost extempore, at dinner, within the house of Mr Andrew Bruce, merchant, Castlehill, there.
It is usual to have this Scotch dish at the anniversary celebrations of the poet's birth, and a very savoury viand it is, although unsafe to eat much of. Allan Cunningham treats of its component parts in the following way:-
"'Pray, sir' said a man from the south, 'why do you boil it in a sheep's bag; and, above all, what is it made of?' - 'Sir,' answered a man of the north, 'we boil it in a sheep's bag because such was the primitave way before linen was invented; and as for what it is made of, I dare not trust myself to tell - I can never name all the savoury items without tears; and truly you would not have me expose such weakness in a public company.'"
Galt records in his autobiography, that he sat next to the Duke of York at one of the poet's anniversary dinners, when his royal Highness was attracted by the savoury steam issuing from a Scotch haggis. It was evidently ill-made - of the bag dingy - altogether an ugly, flabby trencher full of fat things. "Pray what dish is that?" inquired the Duke. "A boiled pair of bagpipes!" gravely replied Galt, who dearly relished a joke in his own quiet way. The dish was soon ordered off the board.
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great Chieftan o' the Puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.
His knife see Rustic-labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!
Then, horn for horn they stretch an' strive,
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
Bethankit hums.
Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scronful' view
On sic a dinner?
Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!
But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll mak it whissle;
An' legs, an' arms, an' heads will sned,
Like taps o' thrissle.
Ye Pow's wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae shinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if you wish her gratefu' pray'r,
Gie her a Haggis!*
* This stanza was originally written out as follows:-
"Ye Pow'rs wha gie us a' that's gude
Still bless auld Caledonia's brood,
Wi' great John Barleycorn's heart's bluid
In stoups or luggies;
And on our boards, that king o' food,
A gud Scotch Haggis!"
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chihawk
Clan Blood Spirit
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| Posted: 07-Aug-2004 21:24 Post subject: RE: The Ecology of the Haggis |
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This wasn't that funny over there, and out of context over here I doubt most will get it...
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Seraph
Blighted Sun Battalion
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"Seraph's Slaughter"
Major
Joined: 11-Mar-2004 00:00
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| Posted: 08-Aug-2004 06:26 Post subject: RE: The Ecology of the Haggis |
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It was funny. But I know a couple people who know the recipes for haggis.
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Nightmare
Lyran Alliance
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Joined: 03-May-2002 00:00
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| Posted: 08-Aug-2004 06:28 Post subject: RE: The Ecology of the Haggis |
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I get it, but it's not really funny. 
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SaberDance
Federated Suns
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Joined: 07-May-2004 00:00
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| Posted: 08-Aug-2004 19:27 Post subject: RE: The Ecology of the Haggis |
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I heard this when I visited Scotland a year ago.
The only reason it was funny then was because we had an American in the group who had been in Manchester for so long he had forgotten that time honored midwest midnight initiation ceremony: snipe hunting.
We had him out in the highland for a few hours wailing like a fool trying to catch a haggis.
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